The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
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HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Monday Lisa
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing