Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
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I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.