@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
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If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions