Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
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Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.