Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
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My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Pretty certain I can more drunk
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?