Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
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Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x