them: are you talking to anyone?
me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off
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getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
not seeing the problem
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication