@jojipaints

Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?

Me: I’m.

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@goodtimenoel

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Paperwork and shit

Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone

Me: I said “and shit”

@trevso_electric

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

@MoistPork

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

@UNDEADTRESOR

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.

@SydneyBattle

obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes

@BriarSlyMalice

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

@sfreeze6

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

@Thynebear

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

@themorris23

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL