Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
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My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?