THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
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After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Catering service
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Seems kinda suspicious