them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
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Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Flowers bee like
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time