Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
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[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.