Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
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Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor