Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
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Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good