Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
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You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Pat is about to own someone
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
My sex drive has a dui
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”