Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere