Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
You Might Also Like
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.