Them: “Did you know you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?”
Me: “Oh my brain does that when I’m out and I see people I know”
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Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
motivation
