Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
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Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I love it all
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions