Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
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I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account