Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
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The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
#Caturday
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.