them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
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Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
It’s an epidemic…
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.