THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
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I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Bartenders are just boneless bars
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
When I laugh on my period
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars