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THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

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@sofarrsogud

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

@weinerdog4life

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

@glum_and_fun

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

@ObscureAaron

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

@kittykaresless

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

@SullenGirl__

The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕

@AimeeHelene1

I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.

@EndhooS

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

@QwertyJones3

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

@AmericanGent69

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.