THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
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I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.