Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
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squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.