Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
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Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”