@SwissArmyWife00

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

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@WilliamRodgers

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

@LoveNLunchmeat

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

@justmebutnot1

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?

@Jayson_Two_time

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

@10InchesPlus

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

@mrjohntofu

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

@Jandalize

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

@joeljeffrey

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

@Cherbearxo

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.