Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
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One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.