Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???

I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

me: how do we ask nicely

him:

me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute

Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.

Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.