Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
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I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me