Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
You Might Also Like
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.