THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

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(Flintstones theme song)
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city


Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license


Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.


Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.


“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.


I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”


Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?


Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.