@Jake_Vig

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

@Cpin42

Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license

@GrumpyBahr

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

@HenpeckedHal

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

@flashember

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

@Rollinintheseat

I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”

@TheWoodenslurpy

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

@TheAlexNevil

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.