THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
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To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
This bar smells like my childhood.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Meow
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”