THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
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My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore