Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
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A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
next question.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Planet of the Apps.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.