them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
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“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Who.
Did.
This?
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus