Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
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Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
😂😂
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order