them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
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I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.