Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
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“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.