Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
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[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020