Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
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no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.