Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.

Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.

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Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?


You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!


[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”


Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.


Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.


My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.


Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS


Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand


If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.


*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”