@djdarrellripley Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
@TomE83_ Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
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@djdarrellripley 
@antheanton You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
@KeetPotato [me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
@aworldinpages Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
@FinallyHeSleeps Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
@KalvinMacleod My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
@chuuew Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
@scottgal Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
@causticbob If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
@ch000ch *crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”