Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
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I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters