@prufrockluvsong

them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks

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@EndhooS

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

@Jandalize

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

@CatherineLMK

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

@mompsychologist

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

@molotov_moktail

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”

@YuckyTom

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

@MumInBits

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

@JesusMcangry

*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough

@3sunzzz

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”