them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks

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“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*


Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.


A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.


5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”


Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”


toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil


We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us


*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough


Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”