them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
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12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why