Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
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Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
🙂🙃🥹
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.