Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
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Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.