Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
You Might Also Like
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Breaking news:
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee