them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
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Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
“you changed” bro i was 15
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting