Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
You Might Also Like
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn