Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
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WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn