Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
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“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
pelicons
john wicks are toilet candles
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
A classic…
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.