Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
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watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
motivation
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
My blood type is b hungry.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes