THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
You Might Also Like
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard