Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
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Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
*puts words between two asterisks*
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said