@Dani_Feld
@exceptions Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
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@exceptions 
@Stellacopter Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
@YesitsAl My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
@CornOnTheGoblin Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
@Faungirl123 I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
@tastefactory 2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
@sbellelauren pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
@tastefactory COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
@elizaleela Whisper out to librarians!
@LeBearGirdle Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too