@Dani_Feld

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

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@exceptions

Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.

@YesitsAl

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

@CornOnTheGoblin

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

@Faungirl123

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

@tastefactory

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

@sbellelauren

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

@tastefactory

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

@LeBearGirdle

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too