them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
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To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza